We all benefit by having the ability to communicate our needs and ideas calmly and effectively. Clear communication avoids conflict and moves people in a positive direction. Discover the art of active listening.
We all have a great need to be understood as well as the need to understand others. Throughout our lives we continue to learn how to get along with all types of people in various situations. With the appropriate “people skills”, we don’t need to be known as an aggressive rascal or a passive wimp. In order to be effective with your communication skills, it’s best to utilize techniques that are somewhere in between the two. Sometimes we may have a right to be angry but it doesn’t give us the right to be cruel. We are responsible for what we do and say no matter how we feel. The key is to be assertive without being too aggressive or too passive. Balancing that social tightrope takes self-control, good communication techniques and some understanding of human behavior.
Assertiveness gives you the ability to communicate at a more effective level, one that benefits all concerned. It means expressing your feelings directly, asking for what you want, and being able to communicate what you don’t want. It means being sure and confident. Assertiveness is sometimes confused with aggressiveness, but they are very different. Assertiveness is sharing your own thoughts and needs while having empathy for the other person’s feelings. When someone is aggressive, they are usually hostile, one-sided or destructive.
The exception would be when you’re dealing with a bully; you may have to be aggressive. Calling a bully’s bluff may be the only way to get him or her to back off. To paraphrase a locker room slogan: The best defense is a good offense. Sometimes you have to take the offense — be aggressive — to defend your rights and to curtail even fiercer confrontations. Although in doing so you want to be very careful not to “push their buttons” and possibly exacerbate the situation.
You also want to avoid being overly passive; you may have a real need to share feelings or information, but you are just not comfortable doing so. When someone is too passive he can get his feelings hurt, can become anxious at the time and possibly angry later. The Indirect Extroverts and Indirect Introverts both struggle with being too passive when their need for harmony is over-riding the more important need for communication.
The exception would be if you’re in an auto accident and the other driver appears to be drunk and belligerent, you might decide to be low-key in that situation. You’re being passive, but smart. There are circumstances when choosing passivity is to have the ability to know where and when to choose your battles.
Then there is also the strategy of Passive Resistance. When it is used carefully, it can be more effective than the aggressiveness of bullets or brawn. It is “passivity with a purpose.” People all over the world have found that being passive is sometimes a way to show great strength. There are times it has helped countries win freedom in the face of powerful oppressors. Mahatma Gandhi counseled his followers in India to remain calm and passive when the British threatened to shoot them. (The British did shoot, but that incident ultimately helped the people of India win their freedom.) The great leader Dr. Martin Luther King told his people to not retaliate when police tried to keep them from segregated lunch counters and schools. (Some went to jail, but they eventually won equal access to private diners as well as school cafeterias.)
There is also a destructive behavior style that takes on the worst aspects of both passivity and aggressiveness. It is the less than noble practice known asPassive Aggressive behavior. This behavior has an individual choosing not to communicate his true thoughts and feelings, but rather, they connive or concoct vengeful ways to be deceitful or destructive. For example, a retail sales clerk is somewhat pressured by his boss to work on Saturday which is usually his day off. Instead of being assertive about not being available that day, he comes in and ignores customers or purposefully losses sales opportunities for his employer.
The following techniques are very helpful when communicating your thoughts, feelings and needs.
Using “I Statements”
When it is time to confront another person with your personal thoughts and feelings it is a good rule of thumb to never lead with the word you, this creates the assumption of blame. “You” instantly puts the other person on the defensive, because they assume blame is about to be put upon them and they will somehow need to defend their actions. The conversation may move into creating a win/lose scenario, which will most likely mean lose/lose. This is where we can benefit by learning how to communicate our feelings and needs instead of creating emotional upheaval and blame. This is accomplished by using the following four-step process called “I statements”. People who use “I statements” to voice their concerns can more easily communicate without sounding judgmental or appearing to place blame. They are more likely to be heard and accomplish their objectives. This technique has been used for years in teaching assertive training skills. I have no idea who invented it but this much I can tell you for sure. It works! Many times in my own life I’ve witnessed its magic. I can’t count how many clients have gone back to their home or office and used this technique with amazing results.
Step One: “I feel… (Express the feeling you have and yours only: “I feel upset…”)
Step Two: “when you…” (Describe the other person’s behavior: “when you put me down…”)
Step Three: “because…” (Explain the behavior’s effect on you: “it hurts my feelings.”)
Step Four: “I need… (State what you want to happen: “you to show more respect for me.”)
It is not always easy to introduce change into your communication patterns. In certain circumstances you automatically want to respond in ways that feel most familiar and natural. It is going to take some time and commitment to develop a different response or approach. The trick in improving your communication skills is to choose the response that will be most appropriate and effective. Being assertive takes practice. It works only when you come across as confident and caring — not when you are defensive or challenging. Then both parties come away feeling more valued and respected.
Think of a time when you were too aggressive or too passive, now visualize yourself using this technique. The next time you need to confront a tense situation, try it. First work out your statements on paper until you feel confidant enough to use it. You may be amazed how warm and responsive people will be.
Feelings Check — Your Ticket to Deeper Communication
Most women are innately in touch with their feelings and are able to express them more effectively than most men. To be a good communicator is to learn how to express how you are feeling, the first step in the four step “I statement” process. It is the ability to express to the person you are addressing what you are feeling and why. This may help with the process. The following checklist is designed to help you find, identify, get in touch with and express what it is you are feeling. With a little practice, it will open channels of communication so all you guys out there can start impressing the women in your life.
Communication Tips
- Think about what you say before you say it. Make sure your brain is running when you put your mouth in gear.
- Use “I” statements when needed and speak clearly. (Keep them brief and to the point.)
- Highlight the content of the communication. Rephrase content and reflect feelings.
- Avoid autobiographic listening. That is when someone is sharing a thought or experience and you jump in with a similar one of your own instead of letting the other person continue his thought process.
- Take into consideration the environment in which you speak and consider the audience to whom you are speaking.
- If you have the need to criticize, be sensitive to the other persons feeling and criticize ideas not people.
- Act like a good listener. Look at the other person. Then listen with your attention for content, with your eyes for body language and your heart for feelings.
- See an issue from another’s point of view. Have a sincere desire to first understand then to be understood. Remember, understanding is not the same as agreeing.
- Provide for and encourage “feedback”. Be comfortable with questions and ask appropriate questions without inappropriate probing.
- Really want to listen. Be open and avoid hasty judgments. When it is appropriate to do so concentrate and take notes.
- Smile. It sounds very basic; however, it’s amazing how people’s mood and words are misjudged because they look too serious or even angry. A smile is a very inexpensive way to improve your looks. If you want to strike up a conversation with a person, approach them with a smile. A smile shows the world that you like yourself, you like where you are, and you’re happy with the people you’re interacting with. When you enter a room, smile and look around at everyone. Those who don’t smile easily often seem unapproachable or confrontational, even though that may not be true. It could become a problem when expanding personal relationships and also become an obstacle to career advancements. Every time a person begins talking to you, look them in the eye and smile first, then get on with the conversation.
- When meeting new acquaintances ask an open ended question and let the other people begin talking. Listen sincerely to what the other person is saying. You’d be surprised how much you may discover about another human being or the situation at hand.
- Know when to be quiet. If you want to develop your people skills, you really don’t have to say much at all. Remember the rule of thumb, two ears and one mouth should be used proportionately.
- Make sure your words are matched by your actions.