Positions vs. Intentions
Obviously, the best case scenario is not to have conflict with anyone. Since we are only human, that is unlikely to happen. However, sometimes conflict can be avoided by being aware of the difference between taking positions vs. explaining intentions. People tend to take positions rather than explain their intentions. Positions are what you want while intentions are why you want it. When we take the time to explain our intentions they are usually well received. Often people will agree on intentions but sharply disagree with another’s position. For example, you may disagree with your child’s teacher on an issue. It may become more difficult to solve the conflict if the focus is on what position each one of you is taking rather than if the intentions are focused on what is best for the well-being of your child’s emotional and educational development.
There are different approaches you can choose from when conflict does occur. There is a time and a place for each of these styles, depending upon what consequence you can live with or the outcomes you are hoping to achieve.
- Competition — Children learn the importance of winning from a very young age. This often carries over to their life skills as an adult as the desired option in conflict. One must be careful of victory with a cost! Through winning, one risks destroying the relationship with the person who perceives himself or herself as the loser. Competition is good when principle is greater than relationship. It may be the right option if it is essential that winning, as well as being right, comes before the relationship.
- Avoidance — This may be the most useful when danger exists. Pick your battles wisely. Some battles are not worth pursuing because it’s just not worth the time or effort. It may also be politically advantageous to let certain things go without confrontation. This can also be appropriate when time is limited and a resolution is not really important. Be aware that the consequence is the same problem may resurface again and again; so avoiding it may come with a cost.
- Accommodation — this is a kind of avoidance. It is commonly used when the need to have harmony is important. Accommodation may be appropriate when the needs of the other person are greater, or that person has the authority to pull rank. You may realize it would be in your best interest to accommodate because they really ‘need to win’. Be aware, one runs the risk of enabling inappropriate behavior. This can result in harboring resentment and feeling like you are not being treated fairly.
- Compromise — this involves the sharing of the prize. This is when individuals work things out, and can live with the solution (although not always the greatest results). This works when there is limited time to explore other options. Beware, this solution may only be short term, and could cause resentment in the future. Although it could also create the opportunity to gain what you want, avoid further losses, and move on.
- Collaboration — this requires more time, but creates a win/win situation. Collaboration produces most satisfactory long-term solutions. This is great for issues and relationships. It involves creative problem solving between both parties.
NOTES
- Alessandra, Anthony, Ph.D., and Wexler, Phillip. Non-Manipulative Selling (Reston Publishing Company, 1979).
- Atkins, Stuart. The Name of Your Game (Atkins, Stuart 1982).
- Burton, Richard, The Anatomy of Melancholy.
- DeVille, Jard, Nice Guys Finish First (William Morrow & Company, 1979).
- Galen, Claudius, Second Century A.D. Philosopher and Physician, as referenced by Carl Jung in Psychological Types.
- Carlson Learning Company, Personal Profile System, Personal Profile System® Facilitation Kit.
- Gorovitz, Elizabeth, The Creative Brain II: A Revisit with Ned Hemann.
- Hunsaker, Phillip, Ph.D., and Alessandra, Anthony, Ph.D.,Art of Managing People (Spectrum, 1980).
- Jung, Carl, Psycholical Types (Harcourt, Brace & Company, 1924).
- Lefton, R., Effective Motivation Through Performance Appraisal (J. Wiley, Inc., 1977)
- Merrill, David, and Reid, Roger, Personal Styles and EffectivePerformance (Chilton Book Company, 1981).
- Training and Development Journal, December 1982, pp. 74–88.
- Wilson Learning Corporation, Social Styles Sales Strategies (Wilson Learning Corporation, 1977).